Sunday, April 24, 2011

A Loooong Post

I've sort of been dreading this post because lately I have done so much self-reflection that having to repeat the story again, (its already in my personal journal), and after having to tell more than enough people in person really feels like it's beating a dead horse and I'm so ready to move on.
AAAAAnyway, I got an ultrasound last week. I was starting to see some pretty scary numbers on the scale and it was really starting to bug me. That's kind of a big deal because self-image has never been much of an issue for me. Even when, in college, I was sporting an extra 20 pounds, I never felt poorly about myself. But this amount of weight is far beyond what I have ever had to experience. So, the ultrasound. Yeah, it shows one baby. I was wrong. Which isn't really what's bugging me. I'm not even feeling any kind of loss, you know where I was expecting two so it's kind of like I lost one child. That's not my problem. Every time I think about this new child and that prospect, I get excited. I'm really looking forward to it and 7 more weeks just can't come fast enough.
The main problem is how confused I am. It's made me angry on and off and mostly at my own body for acting so incredibly out of character. I have always been able to depend on it to act in accordance with how I treat it. If I go through a poor eating stint, I expect to experience the side-effects. If I struggle to eat really well, stay away from empty calories and eat the right amout of fat and protein, because my body seems to demand it this pregnancy, I expect my body to reward me with health and a moderate weight gain, NOT 40+ pounds. That part really ticks me off and it would be fine if I had some kind of explanation for it all, like twins, but I don't no matter how hard I try to think and consider the reasoning behind it all. It's just not normal for me. It can't be "just how my body is" when I've already been through 3 other pregnancies and haven't gained nearly the amount of weight I have this one. It's like I've been betrayed. That's how it feels anyway. And I swear, if one more person says to me, "Well this pregnancy is just different" I might just smack them. That's a cop-out answer. Say something like, "Wow that's quite a mystery." or "I have no idea why your body is going haywire" because I have never believed that anything that the body does is by chance. There's always a cause and effect. There's a scientific reason. There's an explanation for the anomaly. God didn't masterfully design a random universe. Until now, I've never felt so disconnected from my own body as it appears to be doing it's own thing despite what I consider to be iron self-control when it comes to diet. If I weren't pregnant I could put a stop to this quite easily. But how do I ignore a hungry pregnant body and not worry that I'm depriving my unborn child somehow? I can't. So I feel like the next weeks are going to be slow and torturous as I watch helplessly as my weight climbs to even higher never before seen numbers. The confusion of it all almost seems like too much to bear at times and I feel like I am being forced to somehow adjust to some kind of more ambiguous view of how the world works or continue to live my life in anger and confusion at my misbehaving body and at nature for allowing it to misbehave so grossly.
BTW, NO it's not gestational diabetes and the baby appears to be a normal-sized baby for gestational age. It wasn't a medical ultrasound so I don't know more than that as far as what's going on in-utero. Answers to my prayers for understanding seem to always be answered with one word, "patience" which I have discovered isn't my strong point when I am confused. I dislike this feeling of confusion so intensely I feel like it's kind of taken my normal pregnancy hormones and turned me into an emotional basket-case. I get upset at myself for stressing over silly things like whether or not to put dressing on my salad. I literally go through a conversation with myself that goes kind of like this:
"Salad dressing has no nutritional value and is only going to add uneeded calories"
I reply "Oh you aren't going to become THAT person are you? The kind who counts every little calorie instead of looking at food in the big picture?"
Then I might cry because I hate the person I've turned into and then I remember I'm pregnant and I'm sending all my bad vibes to my unborn child which makes me feel worse.
As the days pass, I think about it less and less which is good, but every time I do, the same level of confusion returns. The memory has not lost its sting and I have to work really hard to not fall into the same cycle that's repeated itself every time I spend any time considering "how I feel". My confusion is so great that often the only way I can avoid being self-deprecating about my body is to refuse to believe that there's only one baby in there. To me, it seems more likely that the sonar tech didn't know what she was doing than to believe that my body is behaving this way. It's a frustrating world I am living in, let me tell you. I'm apt to blame my obsessive behavior as yet another bizarre never experienced pregnancy thing but it's so hard to know. Maybe I really am this obsessed with the world making sense which would be kind of an interesting character trait I had never noticed about myself.
And so here I am, all pregnant and emotional. Is it over yet? Gosh, I'm counting down the weeks until the oxytocin of labor and delivery and the love hormones of breastfeeding can fill me with that happy high feeling and if that doesn't work, the stress of having a newborn will trump disgruntled and confused and all this will have seemed silly to have even thought about.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Carpet: something I just don't get

I sweep my floors daily. Often it's twice daily. Especially the kitchen and dining room. I am so amazed at how dirty my dining room and kitchen floors can get in just a few short hours. I thank my good judgment every time I do that I do NOT have carpet in my house. There's only one room that has carpet and it's my 5x6 foot closet. I've lived with carpet and I just don't understand how ANYONE would want it. I guess it's nicer on your bare feet, but for goodness sakes, get an area rug, something you can clean easily.
On top of being eternally grateful for my hardwood floors, I spend a lot of time envisioning how other people manage their carpets. ESPECIALLY if they have kids or pets. HOW DO THEY KEEP THEM CLEAN? I picture them carrying around a damp rag and a hand vac all day. Maybe they literally trail their children with it all day long, catching the mess as soon as it hits the floor. I've seen people's homes with carpet. It's clean. Even without kids and I just don't understand. I wonder if maybe they're related to Harry Potter and know some kind of spell for instant carpet clean-up. Or maybe they pray their carpet stains away.
Carpet in the dining room. What an asinine idea. And that goes for any home. I don't care if you are 20 and single, 30 with 8 kids, or 60 and retired. It just doesn't seem logical to put carpet in a place that you eat food every day.
Finally, carpet is soooooo unsanitary. I am NOT a germaphobic person. I will scrape the spilled mac-and-cheese off the floor and feed it to my kids without an ounce of shame. But I would venture to guess most people are not like me at all in that area. I know that just by observation. So I think to myself, "Gee I hope they never get carpet." How can you ever really expect to get carpet truly clean? And if it's a few years old, you can guarantee the planks on your porch deck are more sanitary than your carpet. Not that it really bothers me. I'd scrape mac-and-cheese off your carpet and feed that too my kids too. But it seems like it should bother a lot more people than it does. Am I right? Do you have carpet? How do you manage to keep it clean? Well, at least LOOKING clean. Hehehehe.

And lastly, an update. A lot of people keep asking me about the twins thing and I have the same answers. So here are some FAQ for those who want to know:

Do you still think it's twins?  Yes
Have you had an ultrasound?  No
Are you going to get an ultrasound at all? No, and as long as there's a baby head down (as there has been for the last 5 weeks, the midwife doesn't care if I get one either
Will you ever be able to know for sure? Maybe, if we can ever get another heartbeat
Why hasn't the midwife been able to tell? Because my placenta is anterior (in the front) and very noisy, (blocking fetal sounds) Placentas are also firm which makes it hard to "feel" a baby through it.
Does the midwife think there's two?  Well she's calling it a single for now even though I'm measuring a little large. She does say, however, that I am right on target for twins based on my weight gain. We both think it would be fun if we get a nice surprise on delivery day. Aren't midwives rockin' awesome? They BELIEVE in women's bodies and a little surprise is just another fun story to tell. I think I freaked my OB/GYN neighbor out by telling her I would still deliver twins at home. I found that rather entertaining.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I've made a believer out of him.

Novan's notorious for a nonchalant attitude concerning anything he doesn't care about. Mom being pregnant happens to be one of those things he doesn't care about or maybe he just doesn't believe me when I tell him there's a baby (or two) in there. He never cared with Beya or Iyov, so why should this be any different?
Well today I was laying on the couch with kids climbing all over me and trying to protect my belly when I started to feel some serious movement.
"Hey!" I hissed to all 3. "There's a baby moving in there!" And I lifted my shirt and tried to get them to settle down and look. Novan was in rapt attention at my declaration, probably thinking I was full of it trying to tell him there was something live in there. But because of that, he saw the very obvious movement of my little human parasite shifting positions.
"Hey!" Novan declared, "It's moving! That's so weird!"
He kept watching and asking when it was going to move again but it appeared that the movement was short-lived and Novan was somewhat disappointed, but I tell ya, if he didn't believe me one bit before about having a baby inside, he was totally sold after what he saw. Iyov was still trying to jump on me and for the first time, Novan put his arms protectively over my stomach and said, "No Iyov, you'll jump on the baby!" Ever after this, he has been very conscious of my belly getting squished or jumped on. It surprised me a lot that he was so suddenly concerned after years of not caring or listening when I try to explain. Yep, he gets it now. There's a baby in there, he saw it move; and it sure wasn't indigestion!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Pre-Historic Scorpions

One of Novan's favorite things to watch is documentaries about dinosaurs and other prehistoric animals. Since we got streaming Netflix, we have access to a wide variety of nature shows. You would THINK that would be acceptable viewing material for a 5-year old. After all, I get all proud that my kid knows names of prehistoric animals like dipleurodon and euoplocephalus. I suppose dinosaurs can be kind of scary though, yet I guess I take for granted that they might be scary to a 5-year old since I take for granted that they are extinct.
Weeeeeeell, last night proved that you can get too much of a good thing. Novan, who actually has started having nightmares lately had a particularly terrifying one last night. Usually they involve things like bugs and stuff but last night he swore there were sea scorpions in his bed. I knew immediately that he wasn't talking about those tiny scorpions you see in the desert. He's talking the huge prehistoric kind that were around 300 million years ago and some species were even bigger than a man.

Yeah that's a big arthropod. I would say that would be scary.  Well the kid was up multiple times. He just would not stay in bed no matter how many times we prayed and how much I tried to reassure him. The one time I entrusted Brad to get him to go back to bed, I am pretty sure Novan got right out of bed and stayed up watching TV for several hours. I know this because I found him awake in the living room myself about 4 AM. And what was he watching? Clash of the Dinosaurs. Yes, the perfect wee-morning, had a bad dream and need to go back to sleep content for your viewing pleasure. NOT!
Though I tried to put the kid back in bed, he was back in my room within 5 minutes and I gave up and put him in the bed between Brad and me. He was asleep within 5 minutes. I, on the other hand, was not. I didn't sleep at all really and so in the morning I was one cranky mom.

I would like to point out that this is the only time I've EVER allowed a kid to sleep in the bed with me at night, at least when Brad is home. Sometimes I let Beya sleep with me when Brad goes out of town but I put a pillow between us so I don't risk getting kicked or woken up. But a queen-sized bed was not made for 3. I am very much against kids sleeping with their parents as a pacifying action. But I was so blasted tired I didn't know what else to do and my brain wasn't working.

In the morning, Novan said the scorpions had gone back to the ocean to which I insisted they had never been in his room in the first place. All day I've told him he's not sleeping in my bed again and he's sleeping in his own. He's been pretty scared all day about bedtime and at bedtime Beya said the following prayer:

"Dear Heavenly Father,
Help Novan not to be scared. Help that Novan won't be scared of scorpions. Help that the scorpions won't be in his bed. Help that Heavenly Father can save Novan from the scorpions. Help that I can be brave for Novan. Help that I can get those scorpions with a knife..."

WOAH. Ok so I was proud of her dedication to helping Novan not to be scared, but a knife? Where did she get that idea? Thank goodness I keep my knives out of the kids' reach or I might have a BIG problem waking up in the middle of the night to one of them stabbing unseen scorpions. shiver. My reaction to her when she said that though was to laugh. It was just such a bizarre image.

Anyway, I'm hoping this nightmare thing isn't going to be a problem. I'm still trying to get the kid to go to sleep without a diaper and having no luck. I do NOT need a kid that has nightmares every night and won't sleep in his own bed.