Funerals and Some Thoughts on My Grandma
As I mentioned in a previous post, I recently attended my Grandma's funeral. It got me thinking about funerals in general and what I would and would not like to happen at my own funeral some day.
1) Wake/Viewing. Dead bodies really weird me out. I don't think it's scary. I just find it incredibly awkward. Almost like if you walk into someone's living room and they've left their dirty underwear out. So a wake is just someone who's left their used body behind for people to look at and that just seems wrong. Morbid curiosity bothers me.
So I will not be having a wake or a viewing at my funeral.
2) Sermons. I have never been to a funeral where I thought the preacher was particularly moving. I always find whatever they have to say either incredibly awkward or just text book Christian life after death typical explanation type thing. The problem is that there are just too many differing views out there on life after death and when it comes to mourning, you've really got to allow the people doing it to come to terms with the death the way they need to. A funeral really shouldn't be the time to try out some conversion sermon. Preachers or officiators will often speak from the pulpit like they think this is the first time you've heard of the concept of life after death. Yeah right. And I guarantee that SOMEone out there in the crowd just doesn't believe the same thing about life after death that they do. Clergy people just tend to say the dumbest and most insensitive things from the pulpit at funerals and so I think they should ALL consider skipping the doctrinal explanation of death at a funeral. My funeral will have no doctrinal thoughts. Period.
OK OK OK, I will ALLOW up to TWO scriptures to be read from the podium, but that's it. Choose wisely! I want everyone to feel comfortable and to deal with my death how it best suits them. If, however, they'd like to have small group discussions of the doctrines surrounding death at the reception, that's totally cool. I'm all for a good doctrinal discussion.
3) Eulogies. Brad is a big fan of eulogies. He wishes he could deliver the eulogy at every funeral he ever attends whether he knows the person or not. I think eulogies are great except that they are incredibly limiting because you really only hear what one person's impression of the deceased was. I often come away thinking of all the other great thing or things about the deceased that I wish other people knew. At my Grandma's funeral I was particularly pleased that there was no one eulogy. The pastor finally turned the floor over (thank goodness because he was one of the worst public speakers I'd ever heard) to the crowd to come up and say something that they had learned or appreciated about my Grandma. It was fantastic! I loved how I got to say what I loved about my Grandma and to be reminded of other things about her that had particularly touched other people. In a situation like that you really get to be reminded of how much the person contributed to this life even if you weren't particularly close to them. Sure, somebody might say something crazy but that's cool. We love them anyway. And I love when people are true to themselves and honest about it with the rest of us even if it is crazy. So at my funeral, I want a group-eulogy. I don't want one long eulogy. I want to know the biggest way I touched each person who showed up at my funeral. It'll be like a testimony meeting, floor's open to whoever wants to say something.
4) Receiving lines. Ugh. How I despise and dread going through the receiving line after a funeral, particularly if the deceased died an untimely death. I don't understand whether receiving lines are supposed to be for the immediate family's benefit or for everyone else. If I'm the person in the receiving line, there couldn't be anything more torturous as one of the primary mourners than hearing "I'm so sorry" 100 times or whatever other generic statement people say that's supposed to be comforting. Plus, I kind of feel on display. Everyone gets to see my sadness and let's face it, people are kind of naturally morbidly curious. That's why rubbernecking is such a problem on the highway. Then, if you are NOT an immediate family member, you get the privilege of trying to figure out what in the world you are supposed to say to the family! I rack my brain every time this comes up and I often end up saying nothing because I can't figure out what would be even mildly helpful.
NO receiving line at my funeral!
5) Reception. The great equalizer. No matter how uncomfortable you felt at the funeral service, you can finally let your hair down a bit at the reception. You get to talk to people one on one instead of being all proper. You get to eat food, which is always comforting, and you get to celebrate the life led by the deceased no matter how short it might have been. I am much more comfortable celebrating a life lived than mourning a life lost. I guess mourning in a public fashion is just not in my repertoire. So I want a big reception. I want more people at the reception than were at the funeral rather than the other way around. I wouldn't even mind some kiddie attractions... bounce house, games, pool, etc. Otherwise those poor moms trying to keep their little ones in proper mourning fashion won't have any fun at all. I feel for the moms. After all I am one.
So those are my terms. I realize that there are different situations surrounding death, premature death, sudden death, grueling death, war related death, etc. Each of these would call for something a bit different but I think, most of all, the funeral should reflect what the deceased would have wanted, not what is considered politically correct or culturally accepted.
In closing, I thought I'd relate some things I remember about my Grandma that I think worthy of recording.
1) My favorite memory of my Grandma (which I said at the funeral) was playing card games with her in the evening. When I visited her in the summer in Indiana it was about every other night the neighbors would come over and we'd all play Euchre, Rummy, Spades, Hearts, or Dominoes. I absolutely looked forward to it every night with anticipation. I was only somewhere between 7 and 9 years old but I was always included and Grandma was always patient enough to teach me a game if I didn't know it.
2) My Grandma always had fudgcicles in her freezer... the ones that you didn't recognize a single ingredient but goodness where they good. I am certain I snuck those things all the time but my Grandma never cared or noticed. She believed it her right to spoil grandkids.
3) My Grandma was incredibly generous. I was taught by my parents not to ask for everything you saw at the store. I was never allowed to beg for something and even thinking about asking for candy at the checkout line was a no no. As a result I never really asked my Grandma to buy me anything on my summer visits to her house but on a rare occasion, when I really took to something, she noticed and she bought it for me, never giving me a hard time about asking. I noticed though, over the years that passed, that she was a generous person in general. I know of her generosity to others and I remember her sending us all Christmas presents every year and she never missed sending us a check for our birthdays. She certainly wasn't a "serving in secret" type person. She could be a little haughty but still she gave even so.
4) Bitsy. This was the name of her dog... her many dogs. I don't exactly know how many dogs she went through but they were all Yorkies and she named each one Bitsy. As soon as one died, she bought another and dubbed it Bitsy. It seems silly but in my mind this attests to a bit of child-like nature still left in her. It was as if having that little yorkie named Bitsy was the one thing she ever wanted and she didn't much care how silly it might have seemed to other people to continually get the same breed of dog and name it the same thing every time. She hung on to that one child-like desire because she recognized that even at 89 years old, it was ok to be a little bit like a kid. It said to me that even as sick as she was in the years before she died, she still sought enjoyment in life, apparently in the form of a tiny dog named Bitsy.
5)Purple Hair. My Grandma had her hair done at the same place every month and in the same style. One of things she had done was to get it tinted purple. As a child I asked her once why she had her hair dyed purple. She explained that a little purple made it seem more white which was the color she was really going for. It did look more white so I guess the hair stylist knew what they were doing. The result for me is that whenever I see a little old lady with her hair tinted purple, I think of my Grandma, every time and goodness knows I'll never forget that a little purple can make something look more white. :-)
1) Wake/Viewing. Dead bodies really weird me out. I don't think it's scary. I just find it incredibly awkward. Almost like if you walk into someone's living room and they've left their dirty underwear out. So a wake is just someone who's left their used body behind for people to look at and that just seems wrong. Morbid curiosity bothers me.
So I will not be having a wake or a viewing at my funeral.
2) Sermons. I have never been to a funeral where I thought the preacher was particularly moving. I always find whatever they have to say either incredibly awkward or just text book Christian life after death typical explanation type thing. The problem is that there are just too many differing views out there on life after death and when it comes to mourning, you've really got to allow the people doing it to come to terms with the death the way they need to. A funeral really shouldn't be the time to try out some conversion sermon. Preachers or officiators will often speak from the pulpit like they think this is the first time you've heard of the concept of life after death. Yeah right. And I guarantee that SOMEone out there in the crowd just doesn't believe the same thing about life after death that they do. Clergy people just tend to say the dumbest and most insensitive things from the pulpit at funerals and so I think they should ALL consider skipping the doctrinal explanation of death at a funeral. My funeral will have no doctrinal thoughts. Period.
OK OK OK, I will ALLOW up to TWO scriptures to be read from the podium, but that's it. Choose wisely! I want everyone to feel comfortable and to deal with my death how it best suits them. If, however, they'd like to have small group discussions of the doctrines surrounding death at the reception, that's totally cool. I'm all for a good doctrinal discussion.
3) Eulogies. Brad is a big fan of eulogies. He wishes he could deliver the eulogy at every funeral he ever attends whether he knows the person or not. I think eulogies are great except that they are incredibly limiting because you really only hear what one person's impression of the deceased was. I often come away thinking of all the other great thing or things about the deceased that I wish other people knew. At my Grandma's funeral I was particularly pleased that there was no one eulogy. The pastor finally turned the floor over (thank goodness because he was one of the worst public speakers I'd ever heard) to the crowd to come up and say something that they had learned or appreciated about my Grandma. It was fantastic! I loved how I got to say what I loved about my Grandma and to be reminded of other things about her that had particularly touched other people. In a situation like that you really get to be reminded of how much the person contributed to this life even if you weren't particularly close to them. Sure, somebody might say something crazy but that's cool. We love them anyway. And I love when people are true to themselves and honest about it with the rest of us even if it is crazy. So at my funeral, I want a group-eulogy. I don't want one long eulogy. I want to know the biggest way I touched each person who showed up at my funeral. It'll be like a testimony meeting, floor's open to whoever wants to say something.
4) Receiving lines. Ugh. How I despise and dread going through the receiving line after a funeral, particularly if the deceased died an untimely death. I don't understand whether receiving lines are supposed to be for the immediate family's benefit or for everyone else. If I'm the person in the receiving line, there couldn't be anything more torturous as one of the primary mourners than hearing "I'm so sorry" 100 times or whatever other generic statement people say that's supposed to be comforting. Plus, I kind of feel on display. Everyone gets to see my sadness and let's face it, people are kind of naturally morbidly curious. That's why rubbernecking is such a problem on the highway. Then, if you are NOT an immediate family member, you get the privilege of trying to figure out what in the world you are supposed to say to the family! I rack my brain every time this comes up and I often end up saying nothing because I can't figure out what would be even mildly helpful.
NO receiving line at my funeral!
5) Reception. The great equalizer. No matter how uncomfortable you felt at the funeral service, you can finally let your hair down a bit at the reception. You get to talk to people one on one instead of being all proper. You get to eat food, which is always comforting, and you get to celebrate the life led by the deceased no matter how short it might have been. I am much more comfortable celebrating a life lived than mourning a life lost. I guess mourning in a public fashion is just not in my repertoire. So I want a big reception. I want more people at the reception than were at the funeral rather than the other way around. I wouldn't even mind some kiddie attractions... bounce house, games, pool, etc. Otherwise those poor moms trying to keep their little ones in proper mourning fashion won't have any fun at all. I feel for the moms. After all I am one.
So those are my terms. I realize that there are different situations surrounding death, premature death, sudden death, grueling death, war related death, etc. Each of these would call for something a bit different but I think, most of all, the funeral should reflect what the deceased would have wanted, not what is considered politically correct or culturally accepted.
In closing, I thought I'd relate some things I remember about my Grandma that I think worthy of recording.
1) My favorite memory of my Grandma (which I said at the funeral) was playing card games with her in the evening. When I visited her in the summer in Indiana it was about every other night the neighbors would come over and we'd all play Euchre, Rummy, Spades, Hearts, or Dominoes. I absolutely looked forward to it every night with anticipation. I was only somewhere between 7 and 9 years old but I was always included and Grandma was always patient enough to teach me a game if I didn't know it.
2) My Grandma always had fudgcicles in her freezer... the ones that you didn't recognize a single ingredient but goodness where they good. I am certain I snuck those things all the time but my Grandma never cared or noticed. She believed it her right to spoil grandkids.
3) My Grandma was incredibly generous. I was taught by my parents not to ask for everything you saw at the store. I was never allowed to beg for something and even thinking about asking for candy at the checkout line was a no no. As a result I never really asked my Grandma to buy me anything on my summer visits to her house but on a rare occasion, when I really took to something, she noticed and she bought it for me, never giving me a hard time about asking. I noticed though, over the years that passed, that she was a generous person in general. I know of her generosity to others and I remember her sending us all Christmas presents every year and she never missed sending us a check for our birthdays. She certainly wasn't a "serving in secret" type person. She could be a little haughty but still she gave even so.
4) Bitsy. This was the name of her dog... her many dogs. I don't exactly know how many dogs she went through but they were all Yorkies and she named each one Bitsy. As soon as one died, she bought another and dubbed it Bitsy. It seems silly but in my mind this attests to a bit of child-like nature still left in her. It was as if having that little yorkie named Bitsy was the one thing she ever wanted and she didn't much care how silly it might have seemed to other people to continually get the same breed of dog and name it the same thing every time. She hung on to that one child-like desire because she recognized that even at 89 years old, it was ok to be a little bit like a kid. It said to me that even as sick as she was in the years before she died, she still sought enjoyment in life, apparently in the form of a tiny dog named Bitsy.
5)Purple Hair. My Grandma had her hair done at the same place every month and in the same style. One of things she had done was to get it tinted purple. As a child I asked her once why she had her hair dyed purple. She explained that a little purple made it seem more white which was the color she was really going for. It did look more white so I guess the hair stylist knew what they were doing. The result for me is that whenever I see a little old lady with her hair tinted purple, I think of my Grandma, every time and goodness knows I'll never forget that a little purple can make something look more white. :-)
Okay, I'll be at your funeral, especially if there's a bounce house at the reception! I didn't even know people did receiving lines at those things. At Taylor's aunt's funeral, all of the siblings contributed to the eulogy, which was great! I had a violin teacher at BYUI who said he only wants music at his funeral, no talking. I think he has the right idea
ReplyDeleteI've never heard about the group eulogy idea, but I think that's really cool. And I don't like receiving lines either.
ReplyDelete