Making Beauty out of Despair
I felt inspired to share some thoughts I have had over the last few months, things that have occupied my mind, my prayers, and my day-to-day life. As I am sure we have all experienced, there are times in life that you feel that you can reach out and touch the Father's hand; that's how close you feel to Him. His influence is so real that it seems like His appearance in front of you would only equal how closely you feel His presence.
The last couple years seem to be riddled, in my mind, with the hand of the Lord I cannot look back on any one experience and say that I didn't see Him there, not just watching over me, but guiding me, guiding the events of my life, and influencing those around me in ways that would inspire me to be better. Sometimes, when I allow myself to explore all the things He has done for me, I feel I cannot bodily contain the joy that fills me up. I tangibly feel that my cup runneth over. I could write a novel documenting each experience but today, I will just talk about the last 4 months.
Early August, 2011: The total dissolution of our livelihood. Watching the sacrifice and work of the previous 6 years get stamped with a big fat "Worthless" label. I watched my husband go from capable and confident to fearful and helpless. Day after torturous day of watching the market careen up and then down in a few hours time made my heart and my mind scramble for some way out or at least a fast-forward button to escape the moments.
The blessings:
-An unshakable confidence that despite the moment, my Heavenly Father knew what was happening to us and there was something waiting for us at the end of this dark tunnel. As cliche as the phrase is, I KNEW everything would be ok. There was sickness in me over the loss of so much but it never overwhelmed my certainty that the Father always looks after those who seek Him. And I was seeking. I searched for the cracks in my faith, places that needed shoring up but to my peaceful delight, there were none. I found my faith rooted to the right foundation. While I had experienced plenty of hardship in the past, this felt like the maiden voyage in which you test the limits of your faith. But I didn't even see the limits. I felt the heartache, oh how many times did I cry out for guidance and understanding. But I never wavered in my confidence in the solace of my God.
-An appreciation for those things which cannot truly be taken away. My husband. He is such a good person. His heartache was almost constantly over the lives which he had adversely affected. Despite wanting to kick his butt back into gear and get the confident and positive husband I knew back on a couple occasions for suffering so constantly and immovably, I appreciated knowing that he was demonstrating the charity of Christ in regards to others. My kids. Their oblivious joy and loving natures were a strength to both Brad and I. We spent more time with them. We listened to them. I grew to appreciate even more how this task of raising righteous spirits doesn't stop when life is in an upheaval. While some earthly things may pass away, the raising of children in a manner which pleases our Father continues on. It is a way to focus on the eternal even amid circumstances we cannot control. My faith. Life is immensely hard! It does NOT get any easier as time passes and the only thing that CAN get easier is how quickly we think of and turn to our Heavenly Father and His Son, thus making the burden lighter.
Late August-Early September: We determine, after searching for a local job to supplement our income, to no avail, that Brad should go to North Dakota to seek employment. Shortly after beginning to apply for jobs in ND, he gets a job offer from Tractor & Equipment. The catch is that we have no idea when the kids and I will be able to join him.
September 15-November 20: Brad leaves for ND, sleeps in his car for several days after arriving as he looks at the local job market. Kind people from the Williston Ward feed him every Sunday and allow him to take a shower at their house. Meanwhile, I'm overseeing the work on the house necessary to beginning the process of finding tenants for our downstairs unit. We are forced to fire our one employee who fails to perform while unsupervised and as a result, we decide to shut down the operation of Magnum Opus Financial in the upstairs unit. Thus begins work on the upstairs unit to make it tenant-ready. Painting top to bottom, installing a kitchen and laundry room, new carpet, and windows are among the items on the list. Brad has accepted the job offer from Tractor & Equipment, discovering that the benefits are pretty much unheard of at the other available jobs (at least right away) and the pay is competitive. He finally has a place to live in a trailer with two other guys provided by T&E. We await the news of when our "family trailer" will arrive in Williston and be ready for us to occupy it. I've set a date of Nov 21 to depart NC and have made arrangements with a moving company. November 18th I sign a contract with Laura Farrell (of ILoveArdmore.com) to find tenants for me. She calls me later that day with a young well-qualified family, ready to sign a lease. Quick work! November 21, a grad-school couple signs a lease for the upstairs unit... did I mention I love Laura? The best part is that Laura charges a fee for finding tenants but does not manage the property for a portion of the rent each month. EXACTLY what I had been looking for (Thanks to Etta to turning me on to her).
The blessings: As if all that work ACTUALLY getting done on time wasn't blessing enough, I gained spiritual blessings which I value far more than the temporal ones. I discovered how much I can kick butt at managing a household, children, and a remodel all at the same time. I say it flippantly but I mean in all honesty that I am CAPABLE. In the past, I've pretty much deferred to Brad on household administrative matters. He's pretty particular and I've always found it easier to defer a decision/action to the person who cares the most about how something gets done. It's not worth it to me to argue a point unless I feel strongly about it. As a result, the last 10 years of marriage have not involved a lot of me making solo decisions. However, this time, because Brad was working SO much, he gave me pretty much complete autonomy to make decisions especially relating to the remodel. It was also up to me to plan and carry out the logistics of everything. I don't know how many of you have experience with home remodel and if you haven't you'll have no idea what it's like and the challenges it presents. Suffice it to say, I was GRATEFUL for the major renovation we did 2+ years ago and for all that Brad and I both learned about getting that stuff done on a time schedule. I spent every day DOING something. There were no wasted moments.
Furthermore, I recognized that being solo and under immense stress, I was going to need some extra armor so I resolved to start reading my scriptures TWICE a day instead of just once and to fill my solo working moments with conference talks via audio and good music. What happened as a result of that was being incredibly in tune with Heavenly Father. I found myself having conversations with Him more often through the day. I would ask what I should do about what kind of stove to choose for upstairs, if I should spend time trying to get cheaper cabinets, if I should move cable lines, what was the best carpet, if I should pay a professional for a certain water line, etc. Silly, it seems, but in a way, I had companionship that I was missing by not having Brad around to ask those questions to. I felt the companionship of the Holy Ghost more because I was filling the "spare time" in my life with scripture, music, and conference talks rather than TV shows, novels, and popular music. John Bytheway, a popular speaker in LDS culture was known in one of his talks for asking the question, "What would you give up to know God? Would you give up your favorite TV show to know Him?" We would be hard pressed to use the justification, "How could giving up ONE TV show possibly affect my relationship with Heavenly Father that much?" I think we foget that "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise."
-Alma 37:6
During this time I also found a joy in service. I can't quite recall what made me decide to turn a new leaf but it was before Brad left for ND. I decided that excuses would always find a way of ruining good intentions and that service would not ever be convenient. So I took every available opportunity to serve that arose. I raked my neighbor's leaves when I was out doing mine one day, I babysat, I made meals, and I called people I knew were having a hard time just to talk. And I found time for it all even though it seemed so silly to be spending any time doing something other than the work that needed to be done so immediately.
So lots of people asked me during my single months how I was faring and if I was "really looking forward to being reunited." Well of course I was looking forward to that and of course the road was hard but I was just so GRATEFUL for that time I was sharing with my Father. Of course I missed Brad but I was also appreciating him more by not having him there because I was appreciating myself and all the talents I had been given and blessed to discover. I was looking forward to being reunited and showing Brad a more beautiful me inside. When Brad and I were married, we wrote our ceremony from the book of Proverbs 31. And now, when I look back at it, it gives me chills to think of how much of it seems like my life and how I feel about what I have accomplished. When we and the minister spoke those words, it was really a prayer and how little did I know or understand the role the words would play in my life!
10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
The last couple years seem to be riddled, in my mind, with the hand of the Lord I cannot look back on any one experience and say that I didn't see Him there, not just watching over me, but guiding me, guiding the events of my life, and influencing those around me in ways that would inspire me to be better. Sometimes, when I allow myself to explore all the things He has done for me, I feel I cannot bodily contain the joy that fills me up. I tangibly feel that my cup runneth over. I could write a novel documenting each experience but today, I will just talk about the last 4 months.
Early August, 2011: The total dissolution of our livelihood. Watching the sacrifice and work of the previous 6 years get stamped with a big fat "Worthless" label. I watched my husband go from capable and confident to fearful and helpless. Day after torturous day of watching the market careen up and then down in a few hours time made my heart and my mind scramble for some way out or at least a fast-forward button to escape the moments.
The blessings:
-An unshakable confidence that despite the moment, my Heavenly Father knew what was happening to us and there was something waiting for us at the end of this dark tunnel. As cliche as the phrase is, I KNEW everything would be ok. There was sickness in me over the loss of so much but it never overwhelmed my certainty that the Father always looks after those who seek Him. And I was seeking. I searched for the cracks in my faith, places that needed shoring up but to my peaceful delight, there were none. I found my faith rooted to the right foundation. While I had experienced plenty of hardship in the past, this felt like the maiden voyage in which you test the limits of your faith. But I didn't even see the limits. I felt the heartache, oh how many times did I cry out for guidance and understanding. But I never wavered in my confidence in the solace of my God.
-An appreciation for those things which cannot truly be taken away. My husband. He is such a good person. His heartache was almost constantly over the lives which he had adversely affected. Despite wanting to kick his butt back into gear and get the confident and positive husband I knew back on a couple occasions for suffering so constantly and immovably, I appreciated knowing that he was demonstrating the charity of Christ in regards to others. My kids. Their oblivious joy and loving natures were a strength to both Brad and I. We spent more time with them. We listened to them. I grew to appreciate even more how this task of raising righteous spirits doesn't stop when life is in an upheaval. While some earthly things may pass away, the raising of children in a manner which pleases our Father continues on. It is a way to focus on the eternal even amid circumstances we cannot control. My faith. Life is immensely hard! It does NOT get any easier as time passes and the only thing that CAN get easier is how quickly we think of and turn to our Heavenly Father and His Son, thus making the burden lighter.
Late August-Early September: We determine, after searching for a local job to supplement our income, to no avail, that Brad should go to North Dakota to seek employment. Shortly after beginning to apply for jobs in ND, he gets a job offer from Tractor & Equipment. The catch is that we have no idea when the kids and I will be able to join him.
September 15-November 20: Brad leaves for ND, sleeps in his car for several days after arriving as he looks at the local job market. Kind people from the Williston Ward feed him every Sunday and allow him to take a shower at their house. Meanwhile, I'm overseeing the work on the house necessary to beginning the process of finding tenants for our downstairs unit. We are forced to fire our one employee who fails to perform while unsupervised and as a result, we decide to shut down the operation of Magnum Opus Financial in the upstairs unit. Thus begins work on the upstairs unit to make it tenant-ready. Painting top to bottom, installing a kitchen and laundry room, new carpet, and windows are among the items on the list. Brad has accepted the job offer from Tractor & Equipment, discovering that the benefits are pretty much unheard of at the other available jobs (at least right away) and the pay is competitive. He finally has a place to live in a trailer with two other guys provided by T&E. We await the news of when our "family trailer" will arrive in Williston and be ready for us to occupy it. I've set a date of Nov 21 to depart NC and have made arrangements with a moving company. November 18th I sign a contract with Laura Farrell (of ILoveArdmore.com) to find tenants for me. She calls me later that day with a young well-qualified family, ready to sign a lease. Quick work! November 21, a grad-school couple signs a lease for the upstairs unit... did I mention I love Laura? The best part is that Laura charges a fee for finding tenants but does not manage the property for a portion of the rent each month. EXACTLY what I had been looking for (Thanks to Etta to turning me on to her).
The blessings: As if all that work ACTUALLY getting done on time wasn't blessing enough, I gained spiritual blessings which I value far more than the temporal ones. I discovered how much I can kick butt at managing a household, children, and a remodel all at the same time. I say it flippantly but I mean in all honesty that I am CAPABLE. In the past, I've pretty much deferred to Brad on household administrative matters. He's pretty particular and I've always found it easier to defer a decision/action to the person who cares the most about how something gets done. It's not worth it to me to argue a point unless I feel strongly about it. As a result, the last 10 years of marriage have not involved a lot of me making solo decisions. However, this time, because Brad was working SO much, he gave me pretty much complete autonomy to make decisions especially relating to the remodel. It was also up to me to plan and carry out the logistics of everything. I don't know how many of you have experience with home remodel and if you haven't you'll have no idea what it's like and the challenges it presents. Suffice it to say, I was GRATEFUL for the major renovation we did 2+ years ago and for all that Brad and I both learned about getting that stuff done on a time schedule. I spent every day DOING something. There were no wasted moments.
Furthermore, I recognized that being solo and under immense stress, I was going to need some extra armor so I resolved to start reading my scriptures TWICE a day instead of just once and to fill my solo working moments with conference talks via audio and good music. What happened as a result of that was being incredibly in tune with Heavenly Father. I found myself having conversations with Him more often through the day. I would ask what I should do about what kind of stove to choose for upstairs, if I should spend time trying to get cheaper cabinets, if I should move cable lines, what was the best carpet, if I should pay a professional for a certain water line, etc. Silly, it seems, but in a way, I had companionship that I was missing by not having Brad around to ask those questions to. I felt the companionship of the Holy Ghost more because I was filling the "spare time" in my life with scripture, music, and conference talks rather than TV shows, novels, and popular music. John Bytheway, a popular speaker in LDS culture was known in one of his talks for asking the question, "What would you give up to know God? Would you give up your favorite TV show to know Him?" We would be hard pressed to use the justification, "How could giving up ONE TV show possibly affect my relationship with Heavenly Father that much?" I think we foget that "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise."
-Alma 37:6
During this time I also found a joy in service. I can't quite recall what made me decide to turn a new leaf but it was before Brad left for ND. I decided that excuses would always find a way of ruining good intentions and that service would not ever be convenient. So I took every available opportunity to serve that arose. I raked my neighbor's leaves when I was out doing mine one day, I babysat, I made meals, and I called people I knew were having a hard time just to talk. And I found time for it all even though it seemed so silly to be spending any time doing something other than the work that needed to be done so immediately.
So lots of people asked me during my single months how I was faring and if I was "really looking forward to being reunited." Well of course I was looking forward to that and of course the road was hard but I was just so GRATEFUL for that time I was sharing with my Father. Of course I missed Brad but I was also appreciating him more by not having him there because I was appreciating myself and all the talents I had been given and blessed to discover. I was looking forward to being reunited and showing Brad a more beautiful me inside. When Brad and I were married, we wrote our ceremony from the book of Proverbs 31. And now, when I look back at it, it gives me chills to think of how much of it seems like my life and how I feel about what I have accomplished. When we and the minister spoke those words, it was really a prayer and how little did I know or understand the role the words would play in my life!
10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
15 She ariseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
Rachel, you are an awesome example for those around you of faith, endurance, and love. Your kids have such an amazing example to teach them how to be not just good but great adults some day :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks Ariel. That's kind if you to say.
ReplyDeletethat is a beautiful rendition of events. you are wise and truly faithful to recognize all those things in your life while they are happening and during reflection! congrats on fortifying a strong family:)
ReplyDelete