Obedience, a Divine principle

A trend has occurred to me, since becoming a parent, a trend that has taken shape that has made spanking a bad word. I have many friends, probably some that read this blog, who do not believe in it. Even my husband, when we first were married, said that spanking was demeaning and inappropriate. I have found that the consensus, among those who do not believe in it, to be that it is some type of abuse. It sends the wrong message. It tells children, "If you don't like a behavior, just hit the person to make it stop." It is possible that this may be the case on a very basic level. I have seen many many many kids, some whose parents don't believe in spanking, and some who do. I have not observed any trend in their behaviors to indicate that children who are spanked hit other people more than those who aren't. I have made it a study. I have worried and prayed over the appropriate use of physical punishment with my kids and have found that despite the message I may send to my kids about when to use physical violence and when not to, I see very real and observable results with using spanking as a parenting tool. It teaches a foundational principle that supersedes any other idea they may form.

As a parent, my primary goal is to teach obedience. Obedience is such a basic characteristic and is defined by action. God says, "Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right." I think that it is not only interesting but vital that this one of the only counsels that the scriptures outline specifically regarding parenting, by including the words both "parents" and "children" in it. In no other place is it so readily obvious that God is talking about what kind of behavior should be expected of children. It is not just passing advice. Learning to be obedient, like no other principle in the gospel, lays the foundation for a successful and provident life. Upon this characteristic of obedience, the rest of the gospel builds. God demands our obedience before our understanding. He knows that if we will just do what he asks, whether we understand the reason or not, we will be changed people, and understanding will come as we continue to do.

So when I say my primary goal as a parent is to instruct obedience, I mean that it takes precedence over every other characteristic that I might want to instill. I don't go about correcting Novan's taking his sister's toys with the goal that I want him to understand why taking from someone else is not right. The message I first want to instill is that he is not allowed to do it and that I am the authority. I don't care if he understands that taking something hurts Beya's feelings. I want him to know that if I have told him not to, he had better obey or there are consequences. So he learns that failing to be obedient merits consequences and I want to send the message right away and swiftly. As Novan grows and learns, probably by having things taken from him, he will begin to understand why he is not to take things away from people. Understanding comes after obedience.

I have heard various parents relate to me about their kids doing this or that behavior in school and the teacher says "Little Johnny didn't have a very good day. He hit little Susie and when I asked him why he said [insert some rudimentary reason]." The new age of parenting says we have to learn about our child's feelings and try to get to the root of the problem, find out what kind of home situation a child has that might be causing them to act out, or maybe see if there's some kind of neurotransmitter imbalance to determine if his emotional responses are out of whack for a biological reason. We are disturbed when Little Johnny says he hit Little Susie because he wanted to. Oh goodness, it must be a conduct disorder so we better get him into therapy before it turns into antisocial behavior in adulthood! Well of course he did it because he wanted to! Children are curious little cave people and experimenting is how they learn. They are looking for what kind of response their behavior will illicit because that's what they do. It is our job, as the authority figure in their lives, as the one who knows far more than they do, to show them the consequences. We simply have to be the authority just as God is to us. God can't be here to teach those hard and fast lessons to our Children when they take something from another child or hit you because they don't like that you told them 'no.' God has given that job to us and he says to teach obedience so that's what we have to do. Love, understanding, compassion, charity, faith, perseverance, and all those wonderful characteristics we hope they'll have will come if they see us as the authority in their lives. Then, when we have established ourselves as the person to look to for what behavior is acceptable and what isn't, they will take notice of and practice our examples.  They will watch how we handle hardship and difficulty, how we show them compassion when they fall and skin their knee, or how we kneel down to pray to ask for Divine help. But obedience must come first.

So back to my point about spanking. I spank because it is an immediate response to an unwanted behavior. It sends a clear and concise message that bad things happen when you don't obey. I've said it before and I'll say it again, understanding comes later. So it's not that I look to spanking as violent enough to make my child feel bad and not do it again but I have found it the quickest means to deliver a quick message. If I take my child's arm, come down to his level, look in his eyes and say in a firm voice "Don't hit your sister again." then I am simply telling him what the desired behavior is in a different way and he is learning that his behavior doesn't have consequences. If I put him in time-out for the purpose of giving him time to think about his actions or to take away his interactions with others as a punishment I am only giving his child mind time to get distracted by something else. He may not repeat the behavior immediately because he has had time to become distracted. It will only crop up again later because I have failed to send a message that disobeying has consequences. If I tell him, "Don't hit your sister or you can't have a treat after lunch." The consequence has been placed too far from the undesired behavior. He fails to form a connection. Some may say that consistency is the key but how many treats after lunch can I take away in the same day? This is not to say that spanking is one hundred percent the absolute best punishment all of the time but for quick behaviors that I am trying to stop, it is the best response, after an initial warning of course, unless it is a behavior they already know is unacceptable.

Ok, so as a final note. Mental illness does exist. Abusive parenting does exist. Children who have had physically abusive parents, parents that repeatedly took punishment too far or hit their kids because they felt like it, have grown up mentally scarred and such behavior is abhorrent in the sight of God and all that is right. An imperfect world full of harmful substances and harmful practices have resulted in debilitating mental illnesses that sometimes require medication and therapy. These things are real, not imagined.
But please, let's not complicate the simple and Divine principle of obedience.