The more I know, the less I think I know
I would have thought that by the time I had three kids that I would have had this parenting thing totally figured out. I would know what does and doesn't work and I would be able to give other people useful advice. I am not sure how other people view their own methods of parenting but for me I live in a state of second-guessing myself and doubt as to whether anything I am doing is "the right thing" especially when it comes to discipline. Maybe this self-doubt is a bad thing but I tend to think and hope that it's not. I feel like if I ever get complacent when it comes to raising children then I am probably not headed in a positive direction either that or I am perfect which means I better get taken up straightaway. =) I wonder how many of you other moms out there have this experience of always questioning your parenting methods? Just because something works one time doesn't mean it will work again. Using the same methods of discipline on one child doesn't always work on the next. Do I yell, do I spank? Do I take this privilege away. Is my child going to be scarred by this or that method? Am I being too lenient? Am I not being lenient enough? I think the more experience I gain with my own children and my observation of others has lead me to believe that the only assurance and hope I have of being a good mom is if I am constantly reinventing the wheel with them. I am constantly evolving my interaction with them with a specific goal in mind. I know what values I want them to have and what attitudes I want them to develop and everything I do with them is with those things in mind.
I have many pet peeves but one of those when it comes to parenting is when parents who I converse with about this or that say "...and I did (or didn't do) it with my kids and they are healthy and well-adjusted" as if the one thing we have been discussing can directly be proven true and correct based on their children's outcome. Further, you can't correlate one factor with an over arching term like "well-adjusted". It's like saying co-sleeping with your child results in a well-adjusted person. You simply can't make that jump. There are too many variables involved. I mean, don't we all, no matter HOW well adjusted have our own little issues, temptations and character flaws to overcome? It's not going to matter whether you co-slept or let your child cry it out at 6 weeks old. They are STILL going to have to overcome something about themself. There is just no way to know based on case study or other scientific evidence whether a specific method is "the method" that everyone should follow.
So back to my original statement. The only arsenal I have had as a parent for "proving" a method is prayer. I think I must pray like 3 times a day that the Holy Ghost will guide my actions as a parent. Brad has said to me on more than one occasion "You really make your life a lot harder than it needs to be." When it comes to parenting though I tell him that I hope it will always be that way and that I can always learn to be better. If I am too comfortable then I am not doing the thing that God sent me here to do which is to learn and improve myself. My methods are ALWAYS up for reevaluation.
I have many pet peeves but one of those when it comes to parenting is when parents who I converse with about this or that say "...and I did (or didn't do) it with my kids and they are healthy and well-adjusted" as if the one thing we have been discussing can directly be proven true and correct based on their children's outcome. Further, you can't correlate one factor with an over arching term like "well-adjusted". It's like saying co-sleeping with your child results in a well-adjusted person. You simply can't make that jump. There are too many variables involved. I mean, don't we all, no matter HOW well adjusted have our own little issues, temptations and character flaws to overcome? It's not going to matter whether you co-slept or let your child cry it out at 6 weeks old. They are STILL going to have to overcome something about themself. There is just no way to know based on case study or other scientific evidence whether a specific method is "the method" that everyone should follow.
So back to my original statement. The only arsenal I have had as a parent for "proving" a method is prayer. I think I must pray like 3 times a day that the Holy Ghost will guide my actions as a parent. Brad has said to me on more than one occasion "You really make your life a lot harder than it needs to be." When it comes to parenting though I tell him that I hope it will always be that way and that I can always learn to be better. If I am too comfortable then I am not doing the thing that God sent me here to do which is to learn and improve myself. My methods are ALWAYS up for reevaluation.
I find myself praying more and more asking Heavenly Father to help guide us to raise these girls the way he'd want. Also, to help me to listen to the promptings of the spririt so I can be a better "mother". I sure hope it's working!!!
ReplyDeleteso true. we have started praying specifically about how to do certain things with each kid. of course they both have different problems, different emotional states and different needs all around. So prayer there is a huge factor in our lives and it has been a lot nicer around here since we have asked Him how to raise our kids. After all they are His, he made them, we are just borrowing them.
ReplyDeleteYou do an amazing job. I look at raising kids like investing. It's really about what happens over the long haul. That doesn't mean that it's not important what happens day to day; but, some days, you're going to be wrong. As long as you cut your losses quick, then you can still keep heading in the right direction over the long run. You can't take the losses personally though...otherwise it inhibits your ability to cut them short next time because you will carry that baggage with you and it'll affect your future decisions.
ReplyDeletePart of that prayer, is to let go a little bit regarding what part you are playing and give the Holy Ghost some more room to work. The Holy Ghost can influence the kids as well as you. Usually, what would Jesus do seems like a cliche...and it is, but try it...if you can't see him doing something, don't do it. Sometimes, you may have to just take one child in a room by themselves and talk to them. I know they're not the best conversationalists...but I think they hear the message of what you're getting accross. Before you know it, they'll all be 8...Novan is more than half way there.
If you show them more love than anything else, I think they get it. They see the investment and they too will forget about the trades that went wrong. But you have to be positive with yourself. If you are spending that much time reading the scriptures and praying...have faith that it WILL work. Not that you'll see Angels, or hear the voice of G_d...you might...but have faith that YOUR actions are the right ones because you did your part.
Feel free to talk more with me...you know I love a good discussion and I'm never short of an opinion. :-)
One last opinion from me for today...I know you're one of the best Mom's I've ever witnessed and few Moms put in the time, love, and energy you do to taking care of your childrens' spiritual, emotional, developmental, and educational needs. And, I love you for it. Thank you Rachel, for all that you do.